I always encourage others to spend more time outdoors. In our modern world, it is a safe to assume that most human beings spend the majority of their time indoors, or at least, in confined spaces. And while it is not at all necessary to stay outside in order to be in the moment, it is quite clear that spending time in nature has a calming effect on us. Especially if the daily life one lives is similar to a rat in cage.

Questioning, especially if one is not accustomed to it, may require solitude, or at least, a peaceful and serene environment. If one’s environment is full of chaos, it may be too distractive for introspection.

I, however, enjoy the chaos, if there is such a thing. In that environment, one can fully observe the reactive mind. If you see it for what it is, fully stay with it, and have no point of view, then you are observing the action of the mind.

How can one observe with no point of view? That question creates more problems than it could ever solve. The moment you ask How, you give away your power to find out for yourself. And how can you know if anything given to you by another can possibly be true? If you want to learn to play guitar or program your VCR, then by all means ask How. That is mere knowledge. But knowledge, thought, and experience cannot bring you to the moment.

All things of the past - and that includes the future - cannot bring you into the now.

How do you see yourself? Is there a sense of self?

If you mean, do I build myself up to be something, or say I believe this is the right way, and therefore this other thing is the wrong way, or I have a system of living that I will defend and fight to prove right above all others? I am this or that? I belong to this or that group, and I will make decisions based on the mandates passed on to me? Is that what we mean when we talk about the self? Or at least, something close to it? If that is the case, then no. There is none of that sort of activity here.

Your first question, “How do you see yourself?” is excellent. Or maybe, “What do you see within.”

I am aware of thoughts, and the whole movement of that kind of activity. I can’t use memory to try to tell me something about myself, build up some conclusions and try to live life in that way. I just don’t see the use of that. That would keep me out of the moment. And it isn’t that I have decided to do it or that I won’t do it; I can’t do it. I am not capable of that anymore.

My memory has been affected in some way, though. So many memories that should be there, swimming around in the mind, able to make itself known in a split second, are simply gone. If I have no reason to think of something, no stimulus that calls up memory, it simply is not there. I have really noticed this since I have returned to the USA. I will go to a place that is very well known to me. A place where I may have spent years as a child. But nothing is there in my mind. I see these places and know that I have been there, but I have to exert myself in order to remember the past as it relates to that location. I can quickly remember the physical location, but as far as what I did when I was there, such as games I played, people I hung out with, or situations - good or bad - none of that is there. I am not sure how I know it or remember it. I just know it, and nothing else is attached to it.

I remember people and their voices, but only when I see them. When I do see them, that is all I see. For example, I saw someone recently I have not seen for at least 15 years. He was my next door neighbor for seven or eight years, so there should be plenty of memories there, one would think. But when he was there in front of me, nothing else was there other than him in front of me. I had no idea if he was a good or bad neighbor or whatever. When he started talking about the past, about situations we were both involved in, only then would the memories come up. But once the memory was no longer needed, it was gone as if it had never been there.

On the outside it must appear that I have a very poor memory. Perhaps brain damage? I don’t know. My mom might say to me, “I saw X today. You went to school with him. Do you remember?” No is nearly always my answer. Then she’ll give some more information or a situation, then something might come up. But that is not always the case. Sometimes there is nothing there. I would need the person directly in front of me in order to trigger some memory, and that would only be if I were trying to remember. I am not sure what that means, but this is still a new situation for me.

It is funny; I have trouble recalling events that actually happened, but I have no problem making up things that have never existed.

What do feel will happen in the moment when you die?

I assume you mean the ending of the physical body; the death of the organism. You probably have already guessed at my answer:

I don’t know. I have absolutely no way of knowing what will happen when this body dies.

For some, not knowing what happens after death is more horrifying than death itself. It is more important for them to be in a good situation in death than to be attentive and compassionate here. But since I have no idea what happens, I might as well fully live life here NOW.

Have you attempted anything like astral projection/out of body experiences?

When I was very young; maybe 10 or 11 years old. I do not remember much about it. The only memory that comes up is of me falling asleep. Attempting to do that might have helped me to dream more clearly, but I really have no way of knowing if that is true.

How did your realization affect your relationship with your wife? One of the things that scares me most would be that in the end of thought, the people that currently matter to me most would not matter anymore. The question that I think I want to ask is, what distinguishes your relationship with her from others - what determines which people you intentionally interact with?

She would be the first to tell you, I was always too serious, brooding, stressed out, and quite negative. Negative in the sense that it was hard for me to see a positive resolution to the problems I thought I had. I was quiet and kept to myself, mostly. After December 1st, 2006, nothing was ever really the same. I am still quiet, but it isn’t like before. I am more of a listener than a talker, especially now, because questioning requires listening and reflection.

Some people find it difficult to spend time with me because I usually don’t talk unless I am asked something. There is nothing to respond to, otherwise. In the last few months I have realized this more and more; people are uneasy if you don’t talk. If you just sit there all blissed out or whatever, it doesn’t make for social interaction. After all, we humans are social creatures, and some people need it more than others.

I have been thinking of this for the last few weeks. How to effectively interact with others without struggling in my own memory. Since January, for the most part, if there is nothing to respond to, I don’t speak. But my wife, Akiko, is helping me with this. She helps me to see the importance of communicating something, even if nothing is said to me. Some people really feel they need it. So communicating something to them, even if it seems unimportant, can make them happy. Even if I am just talking about how lovely a tree is.

Being in the moment, having a quiet mind, or whatever we call it, does not make us numb and unfeeling. It only seems that way because we are tied so closely to our thoughts, and those same thoughts project our emotions. But once those useless thoughts have been silenced, the useless emotions are silenced as well. So, when that has occurred, what is left? This is a question that is impossible to answer with the past. Once we leave those destructive thoughts alone, or rather they leave us alone, what is there? If thought is there, giving birth to emotions, and thought is of the past, then the emotions are of the past as well. Once you are out of the past, those emotions are gone. Now, does that mean we will be emotionless zombies? Or could it be that once the false emotions are gone, we are finally able to experience real feelings in the moment? I am not saying yes it is or it isn’t. But look at it. If you are seeing someone without the destruction of your projected thoughts, then you are truly seeing that person for the first time. And from that space we are able to feel what is real for the first time. It is difficult to imagine something more wonderful than that.

If we are not busy, my wife and I will spend all of our time together. Beyond whatever we need to get done, that is our preference. But we have no trouble separating to do those things we need to do. And we are devoted to one another (in whatever way you wish to interpret that). But she doesn’t think that I am “better” than another person just because we are married. And it doesn’t necessarily make her accept what I say as true. And that is just fine with me.

I am happy to interact with anyone, just not as intimately as I may do with Akiko (There are, after all, certain things I will do only with her). There is no separation there in my mind. I cannot think that another person is different; I can only see the person in front of me, not a projection of every person I have ever met.

Even though I speak English, and the readers of my blog speak English (even if it isn’t a first language), there are some difficulties with communicating thoroughly. Some people might think I am crazy about semantics, or maybe I just like to nit-pick. But that is not the case.

Let’s take a seemingly simple question like: “Do you believe in God?“, and I’ll imagine it is posed to me.

As I sit here, an answer does not come. The only thing in my mind is, I don’t really understand the question. What is meant by believe and God? I am not saying I do not know the literal meanings of the words; I can look them up in a dictionary, after all. But it doesn’t really help me.

First of all, if I say yes or no, what is it that is telling me the answer is yes or no? Is it through an idea that I read about, or and idea that was handed down through generations? Do I say yes because that is what is expected of me? Do I say yes because everyone else says it? Do I say no because I want to rebel? Do I say no because I have an idea that tells me the answer is no?

Questions like this (Do you believe in God?) create conflict. If a religious person asks me this question and I say yes, what happens in the mind of the person that asks? If I say no, what happens? If I say yes, I am a brother. If I say no, I am an athiest. But why should I be anything to them, other than what I am? If someone thinks I am an athiest, isn’t it true that the idea of what an athiest is infects all of their interactions with me? Is there a tendency to hold me at arms length, or perhaps an urge to help me see what is “true”?

If I say I believe the same faith as the questioner, then what happens? If I disagree, what happens? Think it over and go into it. You are devoutly religious (in this example) and you ask me if I believe in god. I say no, I vehemently deny it saying it is false. How does it affect you? Or you ask, and I say I do completely believe, and in fact, I am the exact same faith as you. Now what happens?

Do you see any inherent danger in the question? I am not saying it is true/false/right/wrong, or whatever. But what is it that is there? Is answering yes or no really a difference? If I say yes, it is my belief. If I say no, it is also my belief. So what is the difference?

When one questions oneself, there can be no conclusions. It sounds difficult to grasp. But isn’t it true that if you question yourself with a conclusion in mind, you are just looking for answers to justify your conclusions? And if that is the case, aren’t the questions coming from the answers you already have?

If someone asks me, “Does God Exist?“, do they really want to know, or are they looking for me to justify the answers they already have? Also, if someone really wanted to know the answer to that question, would they ask someone else to give them the answer? If I want someone else to give it to me, am I really serious about it? Or maybe I am just playing around with it?

These are just questions I had in mind this morning.

I am a bit behind on some other work, so I will post the conclusion to the Question and Question Part Three tomorrow.

You describe that it is as if the world is constantly being destroyed and created at every moment. What if that is exactly what is happening? With every time you perceive the world, you are observing the world, loving it, and so it destroys itself (much like the way you destroy thought). However, in each moment you (and perhaps every other being in the universe) recreate the world again.

I am not sure that it is a matter of recreating the world at each moment. When you are in the moment, there is a great surge of energy there; you are no longer burdened by the weight of thought, and the energy that was formerly wasted is now freed. The destruction comes because thought has nothing to hang on to. There is no fantasy that can be built through time, and no thought that can bring security and root you to the ground. Another way to look at it is to say that the past meets the present, but it goes no further. If the past meets the present and continues forward, then all that we see is false. Thought (the past), moves forward, meeting the present. If it stops - meaning, it does not continue forward - then everything is constantly new, and consequently, the old is continuously destroyed.

But be careful; when we talk about having no security, we are talking about the false security of thought. There can be no security in thought, although there seems to be something there. If you have a thought that makes you secure, what happens when the condition ensuring the continuity of that security is challenged or taken away? You are lost completely, and broken. The pain is unbearable. So, living in the “security” of thought is living inside of a time-bomb; it is only a matter of time before it detonates, leaving only ruin.

If we say, “In each moment we recreate the world,” what exactly is it that does the recreating? Are we building a world we believe to be right and just using our idea of what it should be? Are we seeing the world with our thoughts, in that case? Creating it from what we have been taught? If that is true then are we really seeing the world, or just our thoughts about it? This is important to consider. If you see your idea of the world, are you really seeing anything other than your idea? How can someone think that they create the world with their thoughts? We cannot even use thought to be compassionate or to help feed the millions of the world. How can I trust that what I believe about the world is correct in any way? Why should I trust that thought has any use other than a mechanical function? All thought is of the past. How can I use that, in any way, to tell me what the world is in the moment?

It is interesting that so many people are now following a new system of thought about the world. They say they create the world through their thoughts. In essence it is true, but it is not real. They do create a world through their thoughts. But the world they create, and the world they live in, is a world of thought. As we have said before, thought is of the past. How can anything I see be real, if I live through my projected thoughts? All I am seeing is what I want it to be; the conditions of my personal reality. And if those conditions are not met, what do you suppose will happen? War.

Again, I am not saying that I am right and you should listen to me. I am not saying that I have a belief and it is the right one. (If I have a belief, I am right there with all of the rest of them; projecting my own fantasy world, waiting for the day when I go to war)

One theory I have heard is that the world/reality is held together by agreement. Or alternatively as you might be more familiar with, an ongoing intention to create the world. And in order to participate in this universe, a being would have to accept these agreements. And using intention one can shape the world to some small degree. Perhaps, if all beings ceased thought, the universe might cease to exist

In part the reason I bring this up is to find out whether you still have an interest in understanding the nature of reality and to see if there is still more to be learned once one has destroyed his illusions.

I have heard of the theory you mentioned, but I know next to nothing about it. But I wonder, do I really need to accept anything in order to participate in the universe? If I accept these agreements as true, as a fact, then there is no need to hang onto them; they would simply be facts. But, if I accept these agreements with the idea of following a system in order to see, am I really seeing anything?

Don’t get me wrong, I am constantly reading something. And I enjoy all manner of works. I would probably enjoy reading about the various agreements at length. But I have no need to use those things like a filter, through which I see the world. If something is a fact, it is a fact. However, if I hang onto it and live my life through my thoughts, it is a fantasy.

I am interested in learning, and I enjoy reading about the universe and the various theories that spring up from time to time. But I wonder what you mean by the word “learning“. Do you mean the physical and mechanical means of aquiring knowledge? Like learning to drive a car, learning another language, or learning a subject in school? Or do you mean learning in the sense that you aquire something that will make you into something better? You study a philosophy or religion in order to get something spiritual or to become something later? To achieve some state of mind? To understand what you really are?

Can those things be learned?

If you read something about enlightenment, and you believe it, and you explore yourself based on what someone else told you, seeing through their eyes as it were, then what is being learned? In that case, is anything aquired other than more knowledge? It is not useless to read these things, but I wonder, if anything is given to us by another, as in this example, can it lead us out of the darkness? When you question these things, don’t assume that it will or it won’t, or that it is right or wrong. See it for whatever it is.

Also, I would suggest that you might find reading the works of Eckhart Tolle useful. He experienced the same sort of event that you did, and he may help to provide the language you are seeking to communicate your experience. I have indeed noticed that your more recent posts to your blog communicate much better.

You are the third person to tell me about Tolle’s work in the last few days. I am now compelled to look into it! Thank you very much for your willingness to help me communicate more completely. It is greatly appreciated.

And thank you for your compliment on my recent posts. Although, after reading this, you may change your mind!

On Monday : Part Three

I have been away from this site for two weeks, but I am still living.

I have received some questions from a nice person named Hampton on the Steve Pavlina.com forums. Now that I have a regular connection to the internet, I am more than happy to go into whatever questions are placed in front of me. That is not to say that I have an answer, or that what I say is right or wrong. But it is interesting, at least for me, to think over questions or statements placed in front of me.

This might turn into Question and Question, and not Question and Answer.

I hope you do not mind if I copy and paste your message, Hampton!  If you’d rather I don’t/didn’t, just let me know and I will remove anything you might find objectionable.

Here we go:

Hello Takuin, I have been reading your blog for some time now and find it very interesting and helpful. It’s not often that there’s an opportunity to communicate directly with someone who has experienced what you have. I would have emailed you, but I couldn’t find a link to do that on your blog.

There is now a contact page, but I am not entirely sure if it works. If you send a message and get no response at all, send me a comment and let me know. Or send an e-mail to Takuin(at)gmail(dot)com.

I have been trying to fix some of the errors, and it is taking me longer than I thought. I am not a professional, so fixing website errors tends to take a bit of time for me. (You may have noticed some strange changes in the wordpress theme, too.)

Thanks for your kind words, and I am happy to talk to anyone on this subject. Just don’t expect me to give an answer that you may agree with (if there even are any answers to be given, which I would question).

I wonder if you could help me to further understand what it like to be “enlightened”. Because the way one thinks of perceives the world changes so dramatically, I am a bit scared to jump into it and be willing to have the realization you had. At the same time, I think I understand to some degree what you and folks who live without thought experience even though I haven’t experienced it yet.

I have thought about this paragraph for some time. It would be very easy for me to give you an esoteric answer like, “There is no understanding in enlightenment,” or “Experience and No Thought cannot exist simultaneously,” or something like that.

Even though I can see for myself that those statements are true, it doesn’t really help you at all. I could tell you that there is nothing to be free from, that there is no state to attain, and nothing psychological that is worth achieving, but unless you have gone into it for yourself, taking it step by step, seeing what is really in you through your own questioning, then it all has little meaning. (When I say step by step, I don’t mean using some system or method other than whatever way you tend to question yourself.)

I have also been thinking of the term, no thought. (Haha…thinking of no thought!) Is it true that there is no thought inside of this organism? Is it true that Takuin has no thought? I must think to type these words, or to fix my website, or to read a book. So there is, of course, thought here. I have used the term no thought before, but it is not really true. When thought no longer interferes, it is essentially not there, but it is not gone forever. It still has its functioning, and still has its usefulness. Perhaps Quiet Mind would be a more appropriate term to use?

Thought does have its place. It functions in a mechanical sort of way, and without it we would have no technology to speak of, and no means of ensuring our survival. Perhaps we would live as sponges? I don’t know, but thought is useful and I think that no one questions that.

The danger arises, however, when thought spills beyond its field of usefulness and starts inserting itself where it doesn’t belong. When thought enters into the psychological realm is when the trouble begins. And by psychological I mean, thinking you have to become something other than what you are; thinking that things should be different from what is real (or thinking in shoulds at all, for that matter); the whole idea of becoming, as in, I will be a better person, I will be enlightened, I will be something in the future; seeing things or people through our beliefs and through what we have been taught, as opposed to seeing them, or reality, for what they/it is.

If you and I are talking, and I am thinking of who you are in relation to my own belief of what is right or wrong, or I am thinking of how I can help you, or if I am thinking that you have been nice to me so I will listen, or you have been mean to me so I will be cautious, then I am not there with you at all. I am just having a conversation with my thoughts of you. I cannot be compassionate or loving, and I can not truly listen or try to understand you. I am just having a fantasy on my own.

If you and I meet somewhere, I am not interested in thinking about you. I am interested in meeting with you, seeing you, exploring some subject or listening to you. If I want to think of you or see you through my beliefs (you or anyone else), why not just stay home and do that? It doesn’t make any sense to me that I will meet someone just to impose my thoughts on them. There can be no connection or expresion, if that is the case.

For the purposes of discussion I am going to use the idea of becoming enlightened. I realize that one is always enlightened, however it seems that until one has the true realization that he is creating his illusions, he will continue to do so.

The language can be difficult here. I just want to be sure what we mean. The idea of becoming puts it into the future, and if it is there, it can never be here. I think we both realize this, but there are limitations in using language to describe something that is, essentially, beyond thought. We’ll just have to do our best, won’t we?

The realization seems to be essential. Everyone that has undergone a fundamental change usually mentions some realization they have had or experienced. But failure comes in trying to force it. I nearly drove myself mad trying to have a realization as an experience. As if it were something to be had like having sex. I wanted to possess it and have it, like so many other things I might have wanted to control. But let me tell you something: when it comes, it will happen when you least expect it, and most likely, it will be a realization you have never considered. I don’t think that I would have realized anything if I desperately wanted to have it.

We have a tendency to think of what could be realizations beforehand. We hang onto them and store them, as if we are memorizing a phone number. But once a realization, or rather something we hope could be a realization, is stored into memory as something to be used, it loses its usefulness. It becomes as important as our grandmother’s recipe for cooking potatoes. Actually less important than that. You can cook the potatoes, eat them, and be satisfied. But if you desperately cling to the idea of the realization, you’ll always be hungry.

Questioning points in the direction of freedom, but there are no guarantees. And the questions themselves are not important. So don’t store them with the idea that you can use them like a formula to achieve the result you are after. You can use a system of questions to help see what is real and what is a fantasy. But that does not necessarily mean that it will bring about the ultimate realization, whatever that might be.

Keep questioning your thoughts. An unquestioned thought is the most dangerous thing in this world.

Coming Tomorrow: Part Two