Ask the Reader

I’m OK with “What the hell is your problem??”
My response today is a kind of tender sadness that I have spent so much of my life defending against life instead of being intimate and spontaneous with it.

Too many, like those in the poem The Rime Of Ancient Mariner. Some of them are:

My health
My job, or the lack of it
My married life
My sister’s temperament
My house in another city needs to be vacated by a tenant, he has been postponing.
Most of all I worry about the well being of my near and dear ones: to that list is now a puppy I adopted from the street. For a few days I was ridden with guilt as I had to send him away to a pet homestay for only some days. My father is visiting and he is not very comforatble with mischievous puppies. Mine is very mischievous. The horror my puppy expressed when I was leaving him at the homestay… oh God! I became my puppy, I was also the abandoner… There is too much suffering in the world.

Also, i worry about what will happen tomorrow…

Needless to say in theory I know that all these concerns are just thoughts that come up with a lot of frequency and dictate my life.

And what I don’t worry about – what is an ardent heartfelt wish is: to know true freedom, to know peace, to know what it is to be without worrying so much, to feel others’ suffering and mine without questioning it so much. To do more that which I can do. I really pray that i too get the accident that came to you. I pray that that kind of accident happens to more people.

I wish i knew what you mean with love, not an explanation but to feel it myself, to me love is still attachment and all the bad and good things that come with it.
You ask with love but maybe Im answering at times with joy, other times with some bitterness, frustration, curiosity and whatever what not .

Maybe someday I´ll be able to answer with love, but its nothing i really long for , im here and now,but if it happens ill welcome it with all my joy , anyway ,

What concerns me in life, for many years, im 30 now, since i was in my early twenties i have always thought about improving things , also since i was very little kid , i didn´t like water being wasted and stuff, my dad used to wash the car with tons of water.

I used to play a lot of strategy games, like sim city, since i was around 10 . There was a game called Caesar 3 too and many others. So basically I would spend hours , sometimes up to 12 a day, building the perfect city, where everyone would be happy, that yielded the most taxes, had the biggest army and I would crush my neighbors.
But sometimes I would just surround them by a wall and let them live, knowing that if they could they would kill me , but I would spare their lives even though I knew they would torch down my town if they had the chance.
I did not do it to feel superior, which in a way I did as a side-product, but I would like to think it was because i´ve always been sort of “good” ? not because of an idea or ideal , it just comes natural to me some times to be like this , even though my ego is as big as it is .

Seeing the world, how inefficient it was, the waste of resources of everyday life, the misery of some people , I started not being able to just let it go, I would spend hours thinking in ways it could be better.

I studied for engineer mechatronics . But I moved to another country at age 20 and never went back to school.

After that I spent years wondering if there was an economical system that could end up poverty in the world .

I was afraid of school because I felt it would brainwash me in a way that I would give away my quest for fixing the world somehow , but I red everyday at home and libraries , browsed the internet, tons of subjects , economics, chemestry, languages , history , cultures , etc , etc . I´d say that i´m pretty well red and same with music even if i didn´t like it I forced myself to listen to it until it didnt feel wrong .

I have had many jobs, teacher, washing dishes, I´ve worked in construction , as a cook , head of kitchen, etc , etc, i´ve made good money , had some girlfriends, all in all everything a human being could wish for . A peaceful life , with relative success in every job I had but terrible results in the field of relationships heheheh.
Friends are good and not that many but not that few either.

I have had my times of worries where I didn´t know if I was going to be able to pay my rent, some very hard times you know, breaking with a girlfriend and at the same time being broke as hell, family problems too, a dying mother, you get the picture , sometimes I thought in ways to kill myself as well, but as much as i thought I could not come up with a good one, I thought about jumping to the sea, but I remembered the image of the movie where they found a man with a crap coming out of his mouth lol, and i laughed , and it was pretty much the same for every single way i could think of it ended up in making me laugh at myself .

the perfect one would be to walk into a ray that made me dust, but since it doesnt exist I gave up the suicide thing , I never tried to either and again I usually end up laughing at myself and joy fills me up and takes me out of that movement .

I dont know about “love” , but take my word for it , joy can overcome any negative feeling that you can ever feel in an instant.

And thats where I learned that I did not have to worry about anything at all , because things always sorted themselves out, at least for me .

I did “meditation” since i was 15, with meditation i mean, seeing the outsied and the inside, focusing on the forehead , feet, feeling the body, tried imagining an apple and all that crap. Did tons of weed as well which opened my mind a great deal. The warm light going from the head to the toe and all that. All this things did have their use, but the meditation I do now, which is something very similar to what taukin calls “sitting” seems to the the thing to do .

So,
no matter what job i had or problem or whatever what not, my main concern has always been to come up with a way to effectively make us , humans , to have a better world, right now I think that to trade without profit, to give away the technology for free, to spread the welfare of the whole world through us people and animals and rocks and trees and everything is the way to go. Im well aware of the argument that we need struggle and pain and conflict to evolve, Im not against it, i understand it. But it think its time to try the way of non conflict, so I start with myself, gave up ambition and other things already, the process of not identifying myself with a flag and all that . I think ive made a great deal of progress.

To make life thrive in the world and maybe spread it throughout the universe.

Sure I sometimes want to get laid, especially when I dont have a girlfriend, I drink, sometimes i smoke . I enjoy watching hot girls , good food etc . I did a water fast too, this year, i made 5 water fasts of 5 days and that´s how i found out this site .
I also wondered if there was enlightened people in the world , and how I could meet them, the ones that were alive. And after a few days I ended up reading this site, I dont know if taukin really is whatever we believe he is , but every time I read his writtings they make a great deal of sense to me and some other people who post in here as well . Enlightened or not , there is a lot of wisdom here, if one puts prejudices and the feeling of being offended away, it is a very nice read .

Anyway many people say that one has to change oneself in order to change the world. As much as Id like the world to be “perfect” , I myself am far from it, i suffer sometimes , my relationship ended this year and Im still not over it.

I wish i was free from the image and from attachment , and that i did not suffer from a bad relationship. And that thought and memories did not give me problem but they still get into my nerves more often that not .

I observe myself a lot, this last year it feels like ive done a great deal of things with myself, just by watching myself and seeing thought come and where it comes from, just this morning I was looking for sadness because I was feeling down, and I found it behind the eyes .

I remember that a lot of persons in the movies and stuff say that their hearts are broken, and that they suffer a lot in the heart, but I believe this to be a mistake, because when I look into my heart theres is nothing but joy and I can feel it exploding its way to the throat and coming out as laughter sometimes. It sure gives one a huge grin .

I wonder if this holds true for everyone else . I dont know, just feeling my heart makes me chuckle which is why it seems that the heart can never be broken. But then again it might be a false perception.

I cant say that the heart has love or compassion, because the only thing i find it in is joy. Perhaps is different for different people .

Anyway , also saying that one wants a world free from poverty might be an ego trip. The other time i was “exploring” it, as taukin says , and it feels as the world is already perfect as it is , if one really , really goes deep into it , the killings and genocides and starvation , is a normal thing of life, one does not need to judge it as being bad or good, right or wrong , i dont like any of it though.

IF one was free from the self and attachment , perhaps one sees that nothing really matters and that life has no point , and some people might say this is a very depressive way of living, but what i see is that, if one if free from depression , how can it be sad or negative, since those things are not . That life has no meaning does not depress me at all, nor do I need to give it meaning either.

As it is right now, im trying to find out if happiness is as destructive as hate .

What i mean is that, perhaps at cellular level, hate does degrade our cells and we grow older faster and deteriorate quicker as well. But can happiness hurt the body as well? Im wondering if all feelings hurt the body and one has to keep them at bay.

Are feelings a learned process ? How do they hurt the body?
Well perhaps the chemicals released in order to feel things , in the blood stream, corrode the human body , like alcohol hurts the brain, etc.

Anyway you asked me what concerns me, this is pretty much what I do every day, watch myself, watch others , try to find a way to make things better for everyone, I feel like if i was free from suffering and stuff maybe it could irradiate to others so that they dont suffer either.
And maybe without suffering one can think more clearly, free from egos, free form getting offended and stuff and start working together to make things better .

Where the hell are the solar cars? bring them to the market already, screw petrol, why use trucks where we can use trains , why build cities that demand its citizens to use cars instead of making them 100% public transport and bicycle friendly, why feed cows with corn, why the transgenic foods, why why why ?

Well for the same reason that I smoke and drink and hate and love , and over eat sometimes and not eat others, I feel guilty for everything that happens to the world, it seems like someone wise said, that I am the world and the world is me, and if im not free from all this crap, the world will never be free from it either .

This is pretty much my only concern, perhaps i´ve been very lucky in my life, i see how people are worry about their kids, their jobs ,etc, perhaps until everyone is willing to give their lives to change themselves and are ready and willing to die for it , will things change .

Sorry for the long post , i feel shame everytime i post long posts I dont know why , i hardly ever re-read them it just feels wrong so well, there you have it .