You have struggled for years over finding enlightenment and worrying about how to be good. But goodness doesn't need you to recognize it, anymore than enlightenment needs you to achieve it. Most likely, you struggled far less in your everyday life before you knew anything about enlightenment. And now what? Why continue such an abusive relationship?
It is enough to be good, and you already know how to do that, even if you claim you do not.
Commune with nature and other human beings, enjoy the wonders of the world while you can, and leave the room cleaner than it was when you entered.
Just be good.