This post is Takuin's response to a conversation going on at the blog of Mike Sayers. His is a blog of many things, but the focus lately is on the search, the silliness of the search, and frustration at not getting anywhere with any of it. He has an active community of supportive people over there, and it is definitely worth the time to have a look at his site, if this is the sort of thing that interests you. The first, short part of this post is the initial interaction from the comments section on Mike's article, I Am Bigger Than the Universe… What? To see all of the contributions, be sure to check out the comments on that post.
The problem I’m wrestling with is the notion that what I really am is this nothingness in which everything is.
The difficulty may lie with the notion. The notion is external; a thing you hold out to ponder and wrestle with. But is this activity helpful in any way?
This activity points to a difference, or a separation; the thing to have, and the person wanting it (or wrestling with it).
Less, Mike. Less.
“…is this activity helpful in any way?”
Hell no! Not helpful whatsoever! The thing is that it’s all a notion. Every damned thing I think about is a notion, and nothing about notions are helpful.
So, OK… less. Do nothing? You must know how nearly impossible that is, right? Nothing? The “truth” is there, supposedly right in front of my face, and I want to understand it, but I’m to do nothing about it. It just makes no sense to me, even though I keep hearing, “nothing to do, no one to do it”.
OK, OK… You know, I have to go through it like this, right? Can’t argue with reality. I have to be completely stupid and unreasonable about it because I am.
Less, Mike. Less. I’ll feel that for a while and see what happens.
Probably, none of this is helpful, you know. I always tell everyone to see it for themselves. Find out for themselves. That is the real reason I do not give 'advice,' or tell people to do this or that. People make these things into notions, or things to do, like a shopping list.
So please, listen to others, but never follow anyone. I can understand people wanting to give you advice, and that is all well and good, but really, what can we do with it? The only thing, really, you can be aware of is how you function from moment to moment. In listening, things may arise, but it is not for us - or even you - to make something out of it.
The truth may be there, in front of your face. I am not saying it is, or it isn't. But having Takuin, or someone else, tell you it is there, is not really helpful for you. You already know this.
It is like that finger pointing at the moon nonsense...forget the moon; there is no finger!
I don't know if this will be helpful for you, but I will tell you a personal story...(this might be on the blog somewhere, but I do not remember.)
In 2001, I was living in Quincy, Massachusetts, and running a vitamin/health store in Harvard Square. One day, on my way home from work (on the train), I was reading a book by J. Krishnamurti called The Awakening of Intelligence. I had not read that kind of stuff before, and had no real introduction into non-duality or enlightenment at all.
Somewhere, around the middle of the book, Krishnamurti said something about finding out for oneself; If one relies on any kind of authority - even the words of Krishnamurti - then all is lost. So, I closed the book, and thought about his for the rest of the train ride.
When I reached Quincy station, I took the book and threw it in the trash. For whatever reason, I felt that Krishnamurti was right. But if I carried his words - find out for oneself - and held them out as something to attain or something to hold as sacred, then I would still be lost.
It was at that moment I knew, if there was indeed anything to find, it would be like a field of fresh snow, with no footprints other than my own. I never read another spiritual book again.
Within Takuin, curiosity was triggered to such a high degree, there was no turning back. I could no longer accept what anyone told me to be true, but I could not resist it in such a way as to say, "I will reject everyone because they are wrong."
Forget about everyone; I could no longer trust myself.
This all took place sometime in 2001. I can't remember exactly when. But the liberation, or the accident as I call it sometimes, happened on December 1st, 2006. But this is not to say you must do what Takuin has done. That would be a terrible dis-service to you.
This alone-ness is not for everyone (if that is the right way to say it). And it is not even necessary. In the end, you'll never know how you move from place to place, so let's not make it into something to have.
Takuin comes from a 'place' of no teaching, or no learning. But others might have come to a similar end through intense study and teachings. Davidya, a frequent contributor to this site, is a good example. But it really doesn't matter what either of us have or have not done. The only thing that matters is what arises within you.
So tell us, Mike...what do you see?
Thank you very much for this exploration, Mike. It is something all of us can go through with you.
And please feel free to reply to anyone commenting below. The comments are threaded, so just use the reply button to target your victim.