November Project: Question #29 This question comes from a good friend through email
I have asked the same questions over and over. I don't think I care as much for 'enlightenment' as for end of suffering. I have heard there is light at the end of tunnel. What if the tunnel is lifelong? What does one do if one feels like a tiny little lost being so panicked by life that the cosmos feels like an alien, uncaring thing?
I think you've done this long enough to know any answer given by an outside authority will do nothing for you.
How many times have you asked these questions? To how many different people? What have their answers done for you?
You've listened to those people, and at the time I am sure their answers were reasonable to you. Do this, do that. Avoid this, avoid that. And you have done those things. Yet, still here you are with the same questions, the same wants, the same suffering.
And how many times have you asked inwardly? And what questions have you asked?
Why do you struggle so with living, even though you are designed to do it perfectly?
The problem is not yours. It is not your fault. But you give it so much energy and make it into something seemingly insurmountable. Why do you do this? Is it just the accumulation of what, deep down, you believe are the bad decisions you have made? Do you wish you would have done this, or should have done that? Or perhaps you feel you could have done more than you have? What is it?
We have talked many times. I am telling you, there is no deficiency in your functioning. You have the same limited base that I have. Although you and I come from different countries, and were raised in entirely different cultures, our base is the same. What you are searching for is there within you. The only difficulty is, no one else is capable of telling you how to see it, or how to find it.
You've done all the tricks, taken all the tips, and listened to so many people, Takuin included. And I love you dearly. But you have to do this alone.
It is true, some people can listen to or read teachings and remove some degree of their suffering. I do not think you are one of those people. Your brain is far too clever for that. It knows what to do, but you have allowed the stories of others to cover over the beauty of that functioning. Even though your intelligence is vast and your mind is sharp, it will succumb to the weakness of your belief and fear.
Forget about the cosmos and if it is uncaring. That is only your attribute, projected on to infinity. Whenever you look out, point out, search out, you are getting away from what is precious, and that is your life and the love you can give everyone.
Please, set aside what you've been told, set aside your inaction, and just take the first step. You will not fall. You can be afraid, uneasy, uncertain, all of that. It is ok. But you will not fall.
Please do this...