This is part two of a post on relationships. It comes from this question, asked by Nur: "But what if the goal is to be in a relationship, to get married or find love? What then? How do we make love or marriage happen?"
You can find the Part One here: Relationship - Part 1
Are you able to relate with another person in the way you want them to relate to you? Are you really interested in the relationship, or are you trying to placate loneliness, or some other feeling? These are important questions to ask oneself. What is it that you want, if anything, from a relationship with another person?
So many people are in relationships out of habit. They stay because it is predictable. They think it would be too much trouble to meet someone new. But are these really relationships? Is there a life being lived? Or are they just going through the motions, so to speak.
Some enter relationships out of habit, as well. It is something that we all do, so why not? Or, It is expected of me, so I should. But what is really there? Can any expression come out of this kind of static living?
Others enter relationships in order to avoid, or smother, their own loneliness. They are motivated by the fear of being alone. There is no desire to really relate, or share with another person. They just want to silence their own pain.
If there is a starting point to all of this, it is to understand what is within you. Ask yourself, Why do I want this? Is there a center that projects your desire? Or is it because you wish to share your light with someone else?
I very much hope that you can find a person to share with, but first, know what is inside of you. The answer is already there.
Relationship is not about ONE person
I am not talking about promiscuity, bed-hopping, or anything like that. The way you relate to one person is in no way different from the way you would relate to another. The only thing there are your memories and preferences. Ask yourself now; Is there a type of person you want to be with? Why is there a type of person? I am not saying it is right or wrong. Just ask the question. Are the reasons you give in any way real? What is behind it all?
This is not about being submissive, either. It is not a matter of just taking whatever comes your way. It is a matter of seeing other beings as they are.
Understand that being in a relationship is not about getting something. Real relationship is not about what you want. If you get in a relationship just to have it, then what have you gained?
Akiko and I were talking the other day. She started a new job recently and had an interesting conversation with her female co-workers. Somehow the conversation steered toward relationships, and the question came up, "Do you argue?" We don't, and her answer indicated as much. Her friends may have been incredulous, but in the end, found no reason to think she was lying.
It is true. We do not argue. Why would we argue? It doesn't make sense to me. Of course, we do not agree about everything. And in fact, we do not share the same interests. Certainly there are many things we both like, but the important thing is, we can enjoy ourselves in any situation. There is never a feeling that we should be doing anything else other than what we are doing.
If I had the thought, "Man, Akiko should be interested in this. It is so wonderful," what would happen if she was not interested? I would be in conflict because I believe she should be. I would only be hurting myself, trying to create my projection of reality. The same would be true for her.
We do not have the same interests, but we are interested in each other. I am happy to hear about what she does, even if I have no interest in it. When I say, "no interest," it does not mean that there is anything actively against what she does. There is not a thought about whether it is right or wrong. It just is. And I am happy to be a part of it.
Does that make any sense?
Some people find it valuable to make a list of the things they would like to have in a partner. I have never found it necessary, as I am no longer looking for anything. But even before the realization I did not do it. However, if you have never done it before, you may find some value in it, even if it is just clarifying what is going on in your head.
Sometimes writing things down can take weight off of the mind.
I have said before, there is nothing wrong with goals, and having your dream and pursuing it. Having a goal of meeting a great partner may help increase the focus that is needed to bring it about. But you have to be careful. The more you want something, the easier it is to be fooled.
If you want the right man/woman because you think it will somehow complete you, you are headed in the wrong direction. You are already full and complete. Perfection is there, so share it with everyone.
Relationship is Life
Do you want a relationship to feel that you are really living your life? In other words, will the relationship somehow allow you to begin living? Or is it that relationship is constantly occurring at every moment of your life?
Is the goal merely to be married? Because it is too easy to do. Most people put more thought and energy into the wedding, than they do the marriage. It is easy to see the results of that.
Does one need to be married in order to relate? Some might think that the marriage isn't real, otherwise. But it is only a matter of cultural or societal concern. One needs to know what it is to relate to another, before one worries about marriage.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give is to be alone. Remove yourself to a favorite habitat, preferably outside, sit, and get to know what it means to relate to what is around you. Quiet yourself and see what is really within. You have to find out for yourself. No one else can give it to you.
Being alone has nothing to do with loneliness. And it is not about isolation. Only the self can be isolated, and it has nothing to do with one's surroundings.
Sit with yourself, with no expectation of what you will get or how long it will take. Do it for the sake of the doing, and nothing else.
If you want to find a wonderful person to share your life with, I am sure you can do it. But you must be serious and think deeply on the matter. You have to take it all the way to the end.
All I can say is, when you are there, it will be clear to you.